The In Between or T(X+Y)=Z or Terrible Analogies.

Its like the top of the parabola: When you toss up an apple and it hovers in mid air, waiting for gravity to act upon it.

It's when summer is over, but fall hasn't began yet. When the leaves are on the trees and there are still peaches at the market, but the brisk mornings and rainy afternoons have got you wondering when you'll see the first frost.

Its when you wade in Rattlesnake Creek on a warm afternoon. You walk in confidently and your feet don't register the water's icy temperature until you're too far across to make it out quickly. And by the time you get back to shore, your enjoying the feel of the cold water flowing against your ankles.

It's the few seconds silence between songs on your play list. Waiting patiently, to hear what comes next so you can decide if its worth listening to or not.

Waiting, patiently... or maybe anxiously, to know what your next step is. To know whether to give it time and love or to let it go and explore the other destinations. Unfortunately, life isn't like my "On-the-go 4" playlist and the time in between songs does not equate to The In Between in life.
I don't know if the time between summer and fall is going to be 4 seconds or 2 weeks. I don't know how far I will walk across the creek before my feet start to feel cold. I'm sure I can mathematically figure how long the apple hovers in mid air... but thats not where I'm going with this.

The problem with all of these analogies is this: We know the final result. We know the apple WILL come down, We know there WILL be a fall, my feet WILL be cold and a song WILL come on. Sticking with the mathematical theme here, The In Between in life doesn't give you an out come; it just gives you the variables and you have to wait for the equals sign. Like this: T(X+Y)=Z Where T= time, X= me Y= whatever event I'm experiencing and Z= Yes or No. Pursue it or Not.

I don't know if I've every told you this but I hate waiting for something to happen. I feel like I'm wasting time. I focus far too hard on the end result to be able to enjoy the time it takes to get there. My dad always says (I can hear him now) "its not about the destination, its about the journey." Yeah, I know Dad. I know.

I Just don't know how to enjoy the ride until I know where we're going. Is that bad?

This is what it's like...

I wake up in the morning. Usually around 8. The small amount of energy needed to walk up the stairs instantly depletes all forms of reserved energy, my tummy growls and I am instantly hit with hunger. I make coffee, toast a piece of Bird Man bread and spread as much almond butter that I can get on there. Eat it in 2 seconds.

The next 2-4 hours consist of me studying for the LSATs (yes, I think I might apply to law school...more on that later) and trying to decided what I should eat next. I usually am drinking a double americano w/ steamed soy at Hunter Bay (my new fav. spot) and eating all of the snacks I've packing in my bag which include: A peach, tamari almonds and dried pineapple. I eat a half veggie sandwich, go home, get on my bike and go on a ride. And because veggies and bread can only sustain you for so long, I eat about half a litter of hammer gel. Well, maybe not that much, but a lot more than I used to take... Get home, make and eat a acai protein smoothie and 20 minutes later 2 pieces of almond butter toast. At this point I'm so tired I can't let my self sit down or I will surely pass out. About an hour after the toast, I make a massive bowl of spinach salad with quinoa, tofu, garbanzo beans, and brewer's yeast dressing (if you haven't tried it you should). Then I spend the rest of the evening being wonderfully distracted and thoughts of cheese and eggs are flung far out of my mind and replaced by better things. Its blissful.

How much food is that? It must be like at least 5 pounds. Maybe more. Regardless, the point is this: This sucks.

I miss creamy goat cheese and figs. Salami and cheddar. Blue cheese and pears. Mmm. I miss milk in my coffee, milk in my cereal, cream cheese on my bagels.

I really think that this is comparable to quitting smoking. Seriously. In fact, I think it must be harder. Speaking of which, my mom couldn't make it past the 24 hours. She's smoked at least one a day since she "started" her challenge. Why she even has them in the house is a mystery to me. No, actually, I do know why she has them. Because they control her.


Ok, ok, I have a confession to make. I wasn't going to tell you, but I feel guilty. I ate cheese this weekend. I ate more french cheese that I've ever eaten before. It was so good, so creamy, so indulgently satisfying. But apparently my body didn't think so. I got so so so sick about 2 hours later.... So, I've learned my lesson. No cheating, the consequences are too terrible.

In regards to the job front: I'm employed! Kind of. I've got an internship with the Montana Audubon. AND, tomorrow I have a meeting with a law firm for another possible internship/ job. Things seem to be falling into place here in Missoula. And actually, even with all this baggage I'm carrying around (i.e. living with my parents, braces and jaw surgery looming on the horizon and a slight lack of community) I think I might be the happiest I've been in a very very long time. I can see, in the distance, a bright and beautiful future. I think....

Seriously?

Read this and laugh.