Remember "the children"!

I'll tell you why I haven't blogged in a while. Because it's hard. Because blogging means thinking about life, and thinking about life means processing things that I would rather not deal with. And dealing with those things is hard and makes me cry. And crying alone in a big, huge, empty, scary house... well its just not fun. But it is necessary. So here I am. Blogging.

First I need to tell you about Thailand. All in all, that place is so wonderful. We traveled around the islands and beaches in the South and every place we went was picture perfect: gum drop islands, limestone cliffs, crystal blue water and diving that I couldn't get enough of. It's a place that caters to tourist and is perfect for a new traveler. Everything was just so easy. Easy to get around. Easy to find a place to stay. Easy to find good food. Easy everything.

In fact, it was so easy I kind of felt bad at times. And even now I feel bad. Everyday, I step back and take a look at my life right now. I feel like I'm in a constant dream. I had pure fun all day and everyday in Thailand. And here, its plain ridiculous. I wake up from a beautiful nights rest (on a temperpedic mattress!) to the sound of waves crashing on the beach in front of the house. I walk out on to the balcony and watch the ocean for a bit before going down to make a cup of coffee. I take it with me on to the beach and drink it there. Then I put on my yoga pants and hop in the Benz that my Aunt has given to me and drive to yoga. I run on the beach, I hike to waterfalls, I drink acai smoothies. This life belongs to some rich house wife. I can't deny it. I love it. I feel like I shouldn't love it. This is the life that other people frown upon and say "she should be giving the money she's using to buy her double americano with steamed half and half to starving children in Africa". Yeah, well if I really were living this life, I probably should be thinking about starving children. But guess what, right now I'm thinking about myself and how much I love basking in this golden glory. I doubt I will ever be living like this in my real life.
What if I do though? Would I remember the starving children? Surely I would. But perhaps they will be pushed to the back of my thoughts and nag at me like how forgotten tasks nag. Is it bad that I'm enjoying this selfish life style? Does the fact that I recognize that its selfish make it better? Does it somehow make me resistant to forgetting the starving children? I'd like to think so...

I've been thinking a lot about how much persuasion power people have in my life. It seems like I'm constantly looking for other people's opinions about things that only I will be able to decide. Not only is this totally the WRONG way to move through life, after hearing what they have to say, I then dwell on their opinions AND THEN I even start to confuse theirs with my own. I'm embarrassed..... And then I get so mixed up and confused I stop thinking about what ever I'm thinking about all together. OR, I choose incorrectly and then, that's it. Game over. Kristine looses at life. Its a lost cause.
So the last few days I've really pulled apart a part of my life that consumes me. I've been using only my thoughts and feelings and disregarding what everybody (EVERYBODY) else thinks. And the result? incredibly happiness. my heart feel light and airy. I have successfully evaluated a part of my life, a section? a unit? a chapter? a page? a file? yes! a file. I have successfully examined and evaluated one of my life's files. I've made a conclusion and now I can close that file, put a mental "completed" stamp on it and tuck it away. Yeah, it may seem like you probably do this everyday. But really? Do you really mentally block out your peer's opinions? If you do then I'm impressed because its hard!

I leave for the Nepal trip on Sunday. I'm not ready. But I did buy new tank tops at Lululemon today. I feel fat every time I go into that store. Is that normal?